Children unknowingly modify their behaviour to have the best chance to get acceptance and love, and to avoid punishment and pain.
Repeated messages from caregivers can easily become part of our life script. For example, messages such as ‘you must work hard’ or ‘you must be nice’ become strict rules that we may not even notice that we have. These messages easily get internalised as rules such as ‘be perfect’ or ‘be slim’. Whether we feel ok about ourselves can depend on whether we feel that we align with these rules.
Our scripts give us recognisable repeated feelings, such as restriction and bingeing, which can cover up the original pain. The script assumes that this repeated feeling is ‘better’ than the one it is covering up, but in the end becomes much more debilitating than the underlying one.
Learn how your experiences form life scripts that trap you in unhelpful cycles of behaviour. We discuss ways to rewrite your life scripts to escape cycles of bingeing and yo-yo dieting.
Escape cycles of binge eating and yo-yo dieting by rewriting your unhelpful life scripts
The past influences the present, even if we don’t like to admit it.
What is a life script?
Our eating behaviour and body image are formed by past experiences and are kept going by how we live our life now.
By the age of 2 years old most children can recognise themselves in the mirror. As soon as children can see their own reflection, they can start to see how others view their appearance and their actions. They also unknowingly modify their behaviour to have the best chance to get acceptance and love, and to avoid punishment and pain.
These experiences form a life script. Much of our life, including careers and relationships are also influenced by this life script.
Our parental voices
As well as life scripts being influenced by events, we also internalise our parents’ opinions and actions as part of our life script.
The critical voice: This is the voice telling you that you are ‘fat’ and need to go on a diet. The critical’ parent talks about ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘haven’t’. The critical parent withholds love and affection if you ‘fail’ on your diet. However, it might let you have another biscuit if you have been ‘good’ that day.
The nurturing voice: The nurturing parent allows you have flexible boundaries and is compassionate and understanding. The nurturing parent allows you the autonomy and the power to choose what you do within those flexible boundaries.
Our rules
Caregivers and other people of influence have strong effects on us as children and their repeated messages can easily become part of our script. For example, messages such as ‘you must work hard’ or ‘you must be nice’ become strict rules that we may not even notice that we have. These messages easily get internalised as rules such as ‘be perfect’ or ‘be slim’. Whether we feel ok about ourselves can depend on whether we feel that we align with these parental rules.
These parental rules and behaviours are absorbed by us as children to create their interpretation of the world and how they can best function to emotionally protect themselves, to feel ‘safe’.
Parental modelling
It is not what parents tell us, but what they model or show us that has the most impact. Even if your parent told you to eat a balanced range of food and not to skip meals, if you saw your parent starve themselves in an attempt to lose weight, it is this modelling that will have more of an impact on how your relationship with food may be.
Nourished or punished?
It was likely that some of the experiences that formed your life plan were nourishing and some were punishing. There is no need to assign ‘blame’ to rewrite life scripts. Even if childhood experiences did lead to challenging life scripts, there is a difference between intent and impact. Many of the things our parents did, and that we do as parents, are with the best intentions, even though the later impact may not be wholly desirable.
If parts of our life plan were formed when we felt threatened or unloved, when emotional survival was uncertain, we may have learnt to ignore some of our needs so that we could ‘fit in’. These patterns can feel rigid if we did not have certainty about how to be at the time. Despite this, we can learn to loosen the power of these underlying life scripts.
Here is an example of how these life scripts influence us:
- Original event happens:
- Told to stop crying and given food to keep quiet.
- We create a ‘script’ from the event:
- I must not be sad. Food makes me happy.
- A similar event happens, and we behave in the same way, even if many years later:
- I feel upset about work today, that is not ok. I want to eat.
- We behave in a way that aligns with our script, thereby reinforcing it.
- Being upset is not ok, so I reach for food to feel happy, I binge eat to block out emotions.
Here is a way that you could rewrite this script:
- Original event happens:
- Told to stop crying and given food to keep quiet.
- We create a ‘script’ from the event:
- I must not be sad. Food makes me happy.
- A similar event happens, and we notice our patterns of behaviour and choose to act in a different way, even though it might be difficult to start with:
- I feel upset about work today. I spoke about it with friends and thought about how what I can do to help tomorrow be easier.
- We behave in a way that challenges our script, thereby reducing it’s power.
- Being upset is
not ok, so I spoke to a friend to help me feel happy, I used social support to work through emotions.